Missing you missing me possibly

Haven’t blogged for a wee while, so missing you missing me possibly

Got a scary twinge of the dark side of the internet after being a guest on Big Brother’s Bit on the Side on Monday.

Got carried away by the celebration sweeties in the Green Room and aligned myself needlessly for and against various celebrities I had never met before or heard of and I started to ‘Over Connect’ as opposed to EM Forster who ‘Only Connects’ ( Howard’s End before you ask, but you knew that ). Got my knuckles rapped from said celebrities’ loved ones on facebook and twitter and found myself feeling rather sick and vexed. I hate upsets. That’ll learn me.

Mind you Julian Clary spoke out against republicanism which may have been a departure for the CBB viewers.

For those not on a diet , and who haven’t given up drink in order to loose the weight for a job not vanity (I lie) and who therefore are not watching Celebrity Big Bro in their pj’s at 9, 10 and 11 respectively - it may be diverting to learn that I went to Jonathan Harvey’s book launch as well.

I was also invited which made the entrance less stressful. The shabby chic pub (velvet and peeled paint) was positively teeming with talented, good looking literati so had to immediately request vodka being too much of a suburban to ask for an absinth and a quill. Jonathan’s tweet on the night: “It’s my book launch tonight and I’m a bit over excited. I may actually piss myself” will whet your appetite. I can’t wait to get stuck in.

Did a few Sky News reviews since I last saw you. This time no one said my hair was like a dog’s dinner on that forum I accidentally came upon. Bloody right they didn't  - I had it tongued and sea salt sprayed as a precaution. Finally topical news not about me : Jeremy Hunt is a lucky ...

Got up right early on sat to beaver across to Sky TV studios for the privilege of reviewing the papers. 

However the lure and urgent need of mascara, foundation and socket line applied by a make up professional came first - leaving me with NO TIME to read the 4 stories I was expected to select and then review.

A very nice but anxious researcher hovered while my socket lines were addressed before offering (through only slightly clenched teeth) to choose the stories for me? Well I’d only just sat down and I wanted to choose my own stories thank you. The make up girl hovered with her sponge mid air – ‘Ok then you choose ‘em then,’ I reluctantly caved in – but not really wanting to do the ‘Mousetrap on tour’ if I’m being truthful.  

Worse to come – we  were about to go on air – radio pack  now firmly tucked in my pants  by a scurrying radio person who seemed to be doubling up as an everything else person saying cheerily “what else can go wrong this morning”  while I’m chasing the researcher  for the photocopies of the selected stories she’d selected   (she’d gone off with the top copies ) before I practically  snatched two of them out of her hands and dashed off to the sofa. 

A nice man journo  from The Express Michael Booker mercifully was doing  the papers as well and  - having avoided  all the shortbread  in the green room I noticed unlike me  -  offered to bale me out should push come to shove. It did.

Michael did his first story (properly) and then  the presenter  turned to me and said “and what’s your view of the strike, Helen?” Well that hadn’t officially  been my story  had it - but I mustered a response ‘Yes definitely’ I said  and waited for the subject to move on to the Mousetrap. It didn’t – The nice presenter swiftly moved to the story I hadn’t read since it hadn’t yet been photocopied about a son stealing money from his Mum to buy a house. I lamely said ‘well it's always a tricky one when a son steals from his mother isn’t it?” The stable and kind presenter did closure by saying ‘and of course there’s more info on that story that we haven’t time for…’

However for the second paper review slot me and Mike (I call him Mike now) cosied  up to share views about the plethora of ‘perfect Christmas countdown chef instructions’ across all the red tops by varyingly rich TV chefs.

Mike  was sure that in his office real men didn’t like to cook the turkey for more than two hours (controversial)  –  and as we  continued to debate this topic  in the studio together as a team I felt I had finally arrived  

I do hope I’ll be asked back  - I  felt I brought something  to the table…

Next week will be at the screening of the recent  Ab Fab  shows -  unfortunately I have had my fringe cut too short –  and it’s SO scary to attend anything glam with a short fringe – but  nevertheless doable  for  free fiz. 

Not too much exciting news has happened so am making some of this up.

Ventured to Osterley –which is not a town in Austria but a TV studio to review paper for Sky news. – Might need to turn 60 before I get my own current affairs programme – Miriam Oreilly is my role model keeping my hopes alive.


Needing to learn my Edinburgh show so wonder if drawing pictures to remember points will help? Drawing pictures does not excite me as I will need 5000.


Am about to have a lesson on Facebook – as have a phobia about the layout – this is better than having phobia about breathing but only just.


The film Horrid Henry got a stinky review – am shocked and appalled .. Does the reviewer write for The Spectator?

Thankfully have put the right staples in my stapler – but have not managed to read ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ - couldn’t manage it – too scared.