The sudden and involuntary exposure of my thighs...

Have not engaged in too much chitty chat on Splash – apart from mentioning to the very wise and adroit Richard Bacon on his show on BBC Radio 5 live...  www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p013h9xb …that all new reality TV formats are inevitably derided until they become part of the school curriculum - ‘Celebrity Naked Potholing’ is likely to get as much flack as diving when it airs. If it does.

 I also wrote this which was more swim wear based than diving tips http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2258768/Splash--Celebrity-diving-branded-new-low-TV--contestant-HELEN-LEDERER-regrets.html 

However the sudden and involuntary exposure of my thighs has lead to a few invitations...

Big Brother’s Bit on the Side has beckoned this Sunday:  I am looking forward to being the oldest person on the wacky green sofa who is not wearing a swimming costume. Tuesday, I will be commenting on that mother ship of all radio progs, Woman’s Hour  – always a joy and privilege . The subject is ‘Comfort Eating’ - am mystified why they came to me - could be the pic of moi mid-air in the swimming costume in the Mail that piqued interest?

Then Wednesday, it seems Alan Titchmarsh’s people (Alan Titchmarsh Show, ITV) have asked me to comment on the NTA. (National Television Awards – I checked.)  I will do my best. I tend not to go to awards events due to the amount of white rolls one can get through with one's melon balls (I can see why Woman’s Hour might want me on now.) And not being up for anything

And then, as if that isn't enough excitement, I'm debuting on the Simon Lederman Late Show, BBC London 94.9 that evening – at around 11pm. Apparently I can be political or lite - or litely political – depends what I've eaten that day …

Well, it certainly made a Splash!

Warning: Only read this if braced... Daily Mail Article

OMG it is today

Thank you for all those good luck wishes.  Need them...

Omid said it was okay to go public

Thinking of bribing Jo Brand tonight who is a judge but she has integrity .slightly annoying. 

Omid and I were on Radio Five Live this morning (just before the end around 8.50)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01pqll0/Weekend_Breakfast_05_01_2013/

Tom Daley's Making A Splash

This  was a clip on daybreak featuring me being tipped into the pool on on nappy mat by Tom Daley. Listen.. It was the only way I could get to meet the man.

He does not disappoint. I might do though.

Tom Daley's making a splash!

Splash is a programme about diving .....and swimwear ...

This was in the Evening Standard ...

and check out Jade's pic to see I'm not the only one nervous...

http://twitter.com/JadeEwen/status/287221319177752576/photo/1

'Brave or insane?' people ask. I'm still asking myself...

OMIGOD I’M IN A REALITY TV PROGRAMME WHERE I HAVE TO DIVE

It’s Christmas. I’m in a shop. The mobile rings. Agent ‘Would I do a TV show?’ Me ‘Yes’. Agent ‘A reality TV show? ’ Me ‘If it's ‘Celebrity Mastermind’ how long do I get to think of a specialist subject?’ Agent ‘It’s not Celebrity Mastermind’ Me ‘So ...what do I have to do?’ Agent ‘Dive’ Me ‘Seriously -what do I have to do?’ Agent ‘Dive with Tom Daly. They need to know in the next hour’ I immediately felt depressed. Dive? I had to Dive? I rang back 59 minutes later and said ‘Yes’ in a sulky way.

Next day, I’m having a medical. The day after that I walk into a pool wearing an unsightly costume. We are asked to look skywards. The diving boards are built on a level parallel with the planet Uranus... (High) . From out of the clouds dives a young man. Tom Daly. Our mentor, our guide and all round smiley man in a whisp of a cossie. It’s even made the papers...

Hel wants rid of belly flop

  'No time for comedy' ... Helen Lederer

FUNNYGIRL Helen Lederer has admitted the secret behind her taking part in Splash! – she wants to tackle her middle-age bulge.

The comedy star is hoping the challenge, which has caused several sleepless nights and endless nerves, will help her lose a few pounds at the start of 2013.

 Helen said: “I try to do as little as possible, being the oldest. I walk slowly, I spend a lot of time in the loo hiding. I can’t even think about my old body walking up the stairs and taking off my dressing gown. But I’m hoping it might make me go off my food, which would be brilliant.”

The Absolutely Fabulous star added she was concerned that her dives may be more belly-flopping than jaw-dropping. But while she admitted she wasn’t in the show to win, the blonde insisted she wasn’t going to become the token comedy act.

Helen – who also confessed she takes comfort from being surrounded by hunks Jake Canuso and Olympic bronze medallist Tom Daley – said: “I know I’m not going to be good, so that’s not my journey. People do laugh when I say I am diving. Me and diving just don’t go together.

“While I’m well known for my comedy roles, there won’t be any time to bring comedy to this. I have to take each day as it comes, as there is no running away. The three-metre dive is everything to me, that was my mountain. That took an hour-and-a-bit. It was like a horse refusing to jump.”

 Read more:
 http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/4721644/splash-jade-ewen-tom-daley-joey-essex.html#ixzz2Gpl04OTB 

The Team Photo

My team is fab. I love them very much even though they are all better than me. While I’m mastering getting out the pool steps while trying to un - plug my cossie legs (yes my cossie has legs) the others seem to be running, jumping or doing three point turns in the air. Jake from TV Benidorm was born to dive and is my new boyfriend – I thought I’d tell him that on Saturday (as I will get chucked out then). Omid is fearless, funny and the nicest person to talk to in the water partic. when I'm sporting a mascara and snot malfunction, Jenny Falconer is superbly good at everything she does – and very knowledgeable thankfully, while sweet Jade is a really good singer with The Sugar Babes who I now like to cite as one of my top bands next to the Killers. Here are my achievements: I can now get out of the pool without tugging my cossie (tick). I can now dive off the one meter in a downwards direction with out bruising mostly double tick but that’s not good enough, I have to dive off the 3 meter and I can’t…!!! 

To do List: before Saturday Show.
Find several therapists who aren’t still away on a New Year away break.
Fashion my own banner for my supporters (3) to wave to demonstrate my huge following
Dive

 Would being in the ‘Big Brother House’ have been easier? Wouldn’t have needed quite so many blow - drys….

I bagsied the window seat - besty sulking!

I'm on celebrity coach trip just for this week. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/coach-trip Omgd – I do a double act with new besty SANDRA DICKINSON. Have not seen any of it yet cos don't know how to set the vhs – but mostly I'm quite scared to see full on reality TV with possible mouth open shots of me eating and generally looking perplexed at other people.

Am not good on reality shows- I'm too open... (And I don’t mean that in rude way) just incompetence when it comes to doing strategies for voting off. I usually tell the person I’m going to vote them off first to be helpful. They are not always nice after that .

No it's not me talking to accountant, it's me acting...

Still performing in the play The Killing of Sister George. http://www.artstheatrewestend.co.uk/events/

I saw a small mouse scuttling away down the corridor.  I didn’t scream - just to be perverse - but told the rest of the cast about the sighting , adding that it was lucky to see a mouse on the tenth performance - theatre is steeped in tradition so got away with it.

Drinking four glasses of house white every night now – don’t know which house but it’s a pretty big one –a positive mansion of alcoholic units and calorific layers on the trunk.

Please come to play...Not begging but it finishes 29th October. I’ll be in the bar -

Made it to Tuesday!

Am not proud at being exposed as a liar and being feeble re not being tall enough to fit my bike and also raising myself a mere one inch from ground on tree climbing task (I know) I excelled at pizza dough rolling and the placing of vegetables (live in real time) on dough – I won the challenge because Melanie said something Italian sounding –as this is about learning Welsh I’m glad to be part of multi layered celebration of tongues. I’m rocking

Studying hard with Josie Darby

...and with Melanie Walters.

Imminent Departure

Oh, Oh. I forgot I meant to loose a stone before I join the Celebs in Wales to do the thing - in our individual tepees.

May be too late – am leaving in few hours and have just had a vegetarian Samosa in the Iceland car park without paying (the car park – you can get away with it).

Stress means I might have upset some kind professionals who are trying to help me – so at least that’s not a worry but a symptom of stress.

Saw Dick and Dom on Breakfast TV publishing themselves in Horrid Henry the film – bless
I’m in it too http://www.cinema.com/film/11746/horrid-henry-the-movie/cast.phtml but play RICH AUNT RUBY which might be of interest – although Rupert Murdoch and the red head are burying my good news today – fair enough

Have got excessive new wardrobe of glamping country casuals strewn across the floor for packing in bag.

I love it here will I love it there? Only if I take wet wipes.

Love4Language is on:
Sky: channel 134 or Freesat: channel 120 from Friday 8th July 20.25, then EVERY NIGHT Saturday 9th –Friday 15th July - http://www.s4c.co.uk/cariadatiaith/e_index.shtml

Regression

You know that thing where stress can inhibit your decision making abilities or rather ability to say NO? Well today I said ‘yes’ to a very nice team to film me 'regressing' –Since I already do that without being filmed - you’d think it would be pretty seamless wouldn’t you?

I was all set to explore who I might have been before I was me, but got so stressed that I wouldn’t be put in a trance and that my jeans are still the wrong height for reality TV and that I might look stupid (crazy or what) that I got 'Blocked'.

I tried. I got half way on my journey into the unconscious where I met a man in olden times who most probably could have been me – when I heard the cameraman rustle. I had got as far as visualising his shoes - then I heard the rustle and I started worrying about my Edinburgh show then worried if I should hand my nominal fee back for not being regressed sufficiently (I did. It was gracefully accepted.)

So basically whoever I was before – we’ll never know - but it may have been a man with grubby boots – or did I just see them in ALL SAINTS where all the boots looks if they have been muddied?

Thanks for listening off to book launch tonight- Daunt Books which I always want to call Gaunt books. I will be charming.

at last ! THE EMBARGO IS OVER - am prepping to be dropped into the Fforest Camp in Cilgerran in Pembrokeshire. (This is in Wales.) I may opt for driving there to be honest, in normal clothes - but it's still jungle meets … err ....?

Wales S4C are FILMING my every move - so must check which jeans I pack. i.e. over Tee shirts -no bum reveal.

It's like  ' Celebrity Big Brother' - with lessons . 4 hours studying of Welsh per day- using "an innovative language learning technique" possibly involving some kind of coercion - like being denied wine? - lets hope I don’t lark about or get my usual attention deficit.

But the very good news is you can watch me and other marvelous folk on: Sky: channel 134 or Freesat: channel 120 from Friday 8th July 20.25,  then EVERY NIGHT Saturday 9th -15th July REVEALING ALL which may (or not) be a thing of great beauty. Don’t forget to series link it
and -for total geek dexterity I’m going tweet - follow Twitter @HelenLederer  or join the select personnel on my  Facebook Page and blog. My highly trained team of techno carers and social workers   will enable this miracle. (big Pleeease to them).

And the OTHER CLEBS? I know!!! for sheer and understandable excitement see this link http://www.s4c.co.uk/cariadatiaith/e_index.shtml

This is me practising being 'in the zone' with Welsh writer Paul Burston

Alarm Bells

You find me slightly downcast.

I said yes to doing an evening with … SHOW in Edinburgh where people can CHOOSE to come and see me. Or not. This means I must say something for at least an hour. I must also write, practice and learn it.

Tweeted a comedy GIANT, Richard Herring, who has been doing more try out gigs than hot baths – he is a swot.  I on the other hand am not. Could be the new hoodia pills I’ve been taking because no one will give me any thyroid pills. Makes me drive over humps aggressively and say Oh God when people elect to cross the road when I’m waiting in my car to do the same.

Before I worry about Bums on seats i.e. will they be facing the right way - I must go to Wales do a reality show. Seven days of sleeping with other people and sharing latrines. Jealous?

Went into Fenwick’s to buy some pyjamas – no purchase made – either figure hugging with rouched sleeves or massive Hessian stripes. Will have to fashion an old nightshirt with under leggings.



Helen is appearing in at the Edinburgh Festival 21st Aug at 9.45pm‘An Evening with Helen Lederer’ SpaceCabaret @ 54 (V54) - Carlton Hotel, Northbridge Tickets £15 & £12 (concessions) Box Office 08455576309 boxoffice.cabaret@thespaceuk.com

Ymerodraeth State Of Mind

I’d like to suggest this is a picture of me hung in the National Portrait Gallery doing Carmen at Glynbourne.

In fact it’s me doing an amusing pastiche (one verse only – the other singers are more familiar with the words – fair enough) in my back garden for a piss take of a pop song (with a similar name but not with the Ymerodraeth word in it) – but hey, if that’s the only way to get on Comic Relief then I’m in. Listen - if you get the call from them –it leads to all kinds of spin offs -Super Injunctions, a strand on The One Show trying not to do thigh touching with Giles Brandreth - or signed up for Panto which I’ve already done thank you – twice. And no I’m not bitter –cos I’ll be at the RSC this Xmas (me being nasty and no I’m not sorry).

Notice I’m the only one talking about the Welsh Comic Relief thing now – because I’m getting rather big in Wales.

I say this because I’m revving up for a top secret REALITY SHOW in July where I have to put on a WET SUIT - not all the time – I also have to remember to take my spanx, my glasses, my asthma spray but no valuables … I must also mix nicely with other WELSH CELEBRITIES and not get competitive at all….. I know it’s not the jungle – but I like to be more trail blazing than eating testes and other irritants. Bitter? Not me dears.