Rich, varied and tragic

To be invited to comment about the individuals who have volunteered themselves to be encased in a televised Orwellian construct is surely too good an opportunity to pass up? I enjoy taking part in the earnest validation of this pop-up community – as we ponder over who said what to whom and also if they are 'playing a game'. I put it to you that they are.

Peeking in on 'camera run' in 'the house' as it's called

An unexpected thrill came last week when I was invited to peer into the studio and comment on live action. Sadly I couldn’t spot any. Only a dead cat which turned out to be a grey sodden towel lying inert.

I learned of the untimely death of Mel Smith – when a BBC news chap called me up and asked me to comment. I wasn’t a close friend but I was a true fan and swung into action to offer my thoughts on 80 and 90s comedy. I auditioned for Mel once but decided that wasn’t in the public interest (I didn’t get it)

listen to ‘Helen Lederer remembers Mel Smith’

I was then invited to give my thoughts on LBC. Also BBC Breakfast TV news where you have to put an ear piece in and look thoroughly composed when it's your turn.  And then to Radio Five live. Tragically I left my phone at home and was in the pub when I realised I was supposed to be doing the interview. I’m sorry Mel. But I know you understand and RIP

So here’s to laughing...

Tributes to Mel Smith from BBC News

The sudden and involuntary exposure of my thighs...

Have not engaged in too much chitty chat on Splash – apart from mentioning to the very wise and adroit Richard Bacon on his show on BBC Radio 5 live...  www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p013h9xb …that all new reality TV formats are inevitably derided until they become part of the school curriculum - ‘Celebrity Naked Potholing’ is likely to get as much flack as diving when it airs. If it does.

 I also wrote this which was more swim wear based than diving tips http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2258768/Splash--Celebrity-diving-branded-new-low-TV--contestant-HELEN-LEDERER-regrets.html 

However the sudden and involuntary exposure of my thighs has lead to a few invitations...

Big Brother’s Bit on the Side has beckoned this Sunday:  I am looking forward to being the oldest person on the wacky green sofa who is not wearing a swimming costume. Tuesday, I will be commenting on that mother ship of all radio progs, Woman’s Hour  – always a joy and privilege . The subject is ‘Comfort Eating’ - am mystified why they came to me - could be the pic of moi mid-air in the swimming costume in the Mail that piqued interest?

Then Wednesday, it seems Alan Titchmarsh’s people (Alan Titchmarsh Show, ITV) have asked me to comment on the NTA. (National Television Awards – I checked.)  I will do my best. I tend not to go to awards events due to the amount of white rolls one can get through with one's melon balls (I can see why Woman’s Hour might want me on now.) And not being up for anything

And then, as if that isn't enough excitement, I'm debuting on the Simon Lederman Late Show, BBC London 94.9 that evening – at around 11pm. Apparently I can be political or lite - or litely political – depends what I've eaten that day …

Missing you missing me possibly

Haven’t blogged for a wee while, so missing you missing me possibly

Got a scary twinge of the dark side of the internet after being a guest on Big Brother’s Bit on the Side on Monday.

Got carried away by the celebration sweeties in the Green Room and aligned myself needlessly for and against various celebrities I had never met before or heard of and I started to ‘Over Connect’ as opposed to EM Forster who ‘Only Connects’ ( Howard’s End before you ask, but you knew that ). Got my knuckles rapped from said celebrities’ loved ones on facebook and twitter and found myself feeling rather sick and vexed. I hate upsets. That’ll learn me.

Mind you Julian Clary spoke out against republicanism which may have been a departure for the CBB viewers.

For those not on a diet , and who haven’t given up drink in order to loose the weight for a job not vanity (I lie) and who therefore are not watching Celebrity Big Bro in their pj’s at 9, 10 and 11 respectively - it may be diverting to learn that I went to Jonathan Harvey’s book launch as well.

I was also invited which made the entrance less stressful. The shabby chic pub (velvet and peeled paint) was positively teeming with talented, good looking literati so had to immediately request vodka being too much of a suburban to ask for an absinth and a quill. Jonathan’s tweet on the night: “It’s my book launch tonight and I’m a bit over excited. I may actually piss myself” will whet your appetite. I can’t wait to get stuck in.

Did a few Sky News reviews since I last saw you. This time no one said my hair was like a dog’s dinner on that forum I accidentally came upon. Bloody right they didn't  - I had it tongued and sea salt sprayed as a precaution. Finally topical news not about me : Jeremy Hunt is a lucky ...

A Bit on the Side

omiword...The Big Brother Bit on the Side is the best bit

me acting Nan to my glamour grandchildren, Lisa and Jessica Jane

BBBOS boasts the only green room where bowls of chewy sweets are replenished as soon as one bowl disappears. Service! No matter the caramel gums the teeth up – loving the gratis toffee adrenalin kick back.

In danger of getting obsessed with the celebs – luckily all the little details I have noticed on Big Brother watching 24/7 are picked up on BBBOS – e.g Gareth eating with mouth open bless (a small weakness to offset his perfection) also Natalie’s extreme wiping of surfaces behaviour (sadly now departed) brings out the wry laughter in me.

Just as death comes to us all – so too will the inevitable departure of all housemates –this should unify them but it seems to be getting them twitchy.

Maybe they should be carried out in wicker ware humanist baskets to cut down on humiliation and regrets? (I will suggest this)


BOOK SIGNING - Wednesday, 25th Jan, 2-3pm at Waterstones, The Hayes, Cardiff.
Am more than a little concerned re book signing of FINGER FOOD. What if there isn’t a queue of keen fans around Cardiff high street ? My famous welsh actress friend Melanie Walters can’t make it .. so that just leaves er me.. And me books.

Still, I’ll be getting some nice sausage rolls at the Senedd – and maybe a welsh cake at Waterstones if not – I’ll bring me own.

Diolch in advance

Busy, busy

This was me in Dublin with two very nice clever funny presenters of The Daily Show.  I love Claire’s hair style. Someone said Jedwood. I beg to differ. Jedwood's hairs are completely vertical. You will see here the hairs have been contained close to the crown.

Quite a busy week ahead – I can’t be doing with anyone who is de-toxing right now. Please have a sense of decency and those in the ‘no raw after 4 brigade’ keep your healthy distance.

a flat spritzer never hurt anyone

Lucky for me the new rules on drinking from The Dept for Health have drawn me into the lime light as a coveted commentator - huge gratitude and general thankfulness - see my Huffington Post article. But just to be sure here are the basic rules again. Women should not regularly drink more than 2-3 units a day; (one glorious alcopop) and lucky men should not regularly drink more than 3-4 units a day (two cans of cider). Apparently the old rules were deemed unclear so lots of MPs assembled (over a nice glass of wine) to draw up some new rules.

I’m sure I told you all about the last time I was on the BBC sofa (if you missed it The Guardian can enlighten you http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/oct/21/helen-lederer-my-greatest-mistake) so naturally anxious to get it just right.

Was on with a dashing doctor from Kings who sees a lot of liver damage in the young –so together we must strike a balance over liver damage and comfy drinking (lots in my case) then met twinkly MP Chris Bryant in the green room who assures me the glass size in the House of Commons is the same size as normal. I challenge him to give me the opportunity to see for myself. He offers. I accept in a heartbeat . No sooner do I get home I get a call from a gentleman at BBC World at One – he asks me to summarise the facts of the official advice and measurements with an humorous twist if you please. I dash off a piece in twenty mins and before I’ve got time to change out of my leisure pants and whip off my scrunchy I have to enter the tardis - sorry - radio car where I stumble over some statistics which they kept in and some jokes which they kept out. Never mind - drinking is a serious business - that’s why you have to keep at it.

But if I thought that was totally showbiz- how about this on Wednesday http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/support-us/national-wow-events/inspirational-women-of-the-year-awards/?menu=4c  I must boldly venture out in black dress to do an after dinner speech – someone dropped out. I wonder who it was? But hey, I’m rallying the Daily Mail Inspirational Women of the Year Awards. ‘As in previous years we expect this to be a wonderful, fun, glamorous event.’ Yeh - well they hadn’t asked me at that point had they, but will do my best not to wear the laddered penis-proofs – even though they hug the thighs nicely when one is clutching the plinth.

I am recording Pointless on TV - a quiz programme in the day time , where you MUST NOT SCORE.
I'll be on Big Brother’s Bit on the Side Thursday afternoon on  Channel 5. Must swot up On Celeb Big Bro.
THEN I will be doing this on Sunday 22nd Jan: http://funnywomen.com/we-will-be-here.php?e=111
No one dropped out for this - but I will be dropping in – hope they have nice crisps in the dressing rooms – so depressing to race down to the bar for one's own bespoke beverages and sundries – at my age.